Friday, January 4, 2013

A Secret Most Girls Wouldn't Reveal

#OOTD (Partial)
Shirt: Uniqlo
Belt: Unknown

Sorry i know my OOTDs are not very helpful but it will get better as long as i get skinnier and take nicer shots. Bear with me for the time being okay?

I guess today i will talk about the one insecurity that every girl has and will encounter at some point of their lives. Not sure why i decided to blab about this topic suddenly but since it's been bogging me down for the longest time, i might as well just get it out. Mind you this is only my opinion and you can have your own ideas  and thoughts but since this is my blog, it will be a reflection of me. 

A secret most girls wouldn't reveal would be....

 their weight.

Its a sensitive issue where girls have to battle their inner demons. And it doesn't help when you have motivational posters telling you to be proud of your body and yada yada. "Embrace your body, love yourself for who you are"  is probably the easiest damn thing to say but is also the hardest thing to do. How does one take in what society perceives you to be and love it?  If there are hundreds and millions of people telling you that you're fat, how do the strongest person not fall to the pressure of changing oneself and can still stand up and say " I love my body"?

I know of a friend who has people telling her every single day that she is fat. They scrutinize her every actions, make remarks when she's eating and constantly tell her that she needs to lose weight. She got that from everyone, her colleagues, her boyfriend and her family. And once i asked her if those remarks and comments hurt her and she replied cheerfully that she was used to it. I guess deep down, it probably did hurt her self esteem and those words do take effect because she is trying to lose weight now. Thing is, she's not even fat or like morbidly obese. No she's probably skinny by US standards but of course, Asian societies are filled with petite girls and hence those are the "standards" to live by. 

Im almost sorry to say i live by those standards too. I know judging from my size, i seem normal, average really but underneath my short stature, hides the bulging tummy, flabby arms and thunder thighs  which is quite frankly, the bane of my life and the reason for my shitty self confidence. 
Exactly why my blog is named smallnotskinny.

The turning point in my life where my insecurities hit me really hard was when i was 14 i think. It was the time when i went out and we took neoprints (still in trend then) and when i looked at the photos, i felt like i was looking at myself for the first time, in a magnifying glass because suddenly i felt fugly. I saw my arms, my stomach and then this whole wave of self consciousness washed over me and that instance, my world changed. I stopped wearing sleeveless clothes and i would always try my hardest to cover up every inch of my body. Buying clothes seemed like a chore because whenever i wanted to buy a sleeveless dress or a top, i would stand there mentally contemplating what jackets i had that would looked good with it. 
It was and still is a mentally tedious chore looking in the mirror and constantly thinking "Why am i not skinny like those girls?"
Up till now, at this age you would think i am wiser and smarter when it comes to these things but no they still live in me and they still eat me up all the time. There is not a single day that i would go by without judging myself on my appearance and hesitating when it comes to sleeveless clothes. Every single day, i walk on the streets and i am envious of the people with bodies i admire. And deep down, i am ashamed to admit that i still struggle with my own body issues. 

Just recently, a relative told me that i've gotten fatter. 
Hurt like crap.

So my solution for myself to my ever depressing problem of low self esteem would be changing your mindset and actually doing something to help improve it. Instead of complaining and whining about it like how i've been doing my entire life, do something useful and productive. 
If you have flabby arms, tone it! 
If you want to lose weight, eat right and exercise right!
As cliche as it sounds but as soon as we start looking good, we too start feeling good. Its like losing weight and people noticing and it makes you feel all gooey and happy and motivated. 
 Sounds like a ton of work but maybe we all just need someone to shout at us, point us in the right direction and kick us into shape. Otherwise, it really is no point just sitting around and moping about why we didnt get the good genes from our parents. Right? If so, all these shit will still be there and make us even more depressed because its such a vicious cycle.

I think i've procrastinated long enough (at least 8 years long) and i really need to whip myself back into shape to get back that feeling of not worrying how i look in public and envying other people. My relative is my kicker and i just want to prove her wrong and agree with myself for once that hey, i can look good too! If you've managed to read this entire lengthy post, kudos to you.

I am gonna embark on my look good, feel good journey starting today.
My weight is 45kg. Almost overweight for my height considering im only 150cm.
And hey guys, even though my weight may not seem much but my body has a lot of blubber stored.
True Story.

Till then,

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