Friday, October 31, 2008


This feels so vivid. So real. As if its my own story to tell.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, i found myself in the room. 
There were no distinguishing features sace for the one wall covered with small index-card files.
They were the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alaphabetical order.
But these files stretched from floor to ceiling tand seemingly endlessly in wither direction, had very different headings.
As i drew near the walls of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls i have liked."
I opened it and began flipping through the cards. i quickly shut it, shocked to realise that i recognised the names written on each one.

And then, without being told, i knew exactly where i was. The lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life.
Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiousity coupled with horror, stirred within me as i began randomly opening files and exploring their contents.
Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that i would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.  A file named "Friends" was next to the one marked "Friends i have betrayed"

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books i have read", "Lies i have told", "Comfort i have given", "Jokes i have laughed at" Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things i have yelled at my brothers" 
Others i couldn't laugh about: "Things i have done in anger" "Things i have muttered under my breath at my parents"
I never ceased to be suprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than i expected.
Sometimes there were fewer than i hope.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life i had lived. Could it be possible that i had the time in my my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. 
Each signed with my own signature.
When i pulled out the file marked "Songs i have listened to " I realised the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were tightly packed and yet after two or three yards, i hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed not so much by the quality of music but more by the vast amount of time i knew that file represented.
When i came to the file marked "Lustful thoughts" i felt a chill run through my body. i pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
Suddenly i felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind" No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy i yanked the file out. Its size didnt matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards.
But as i took the file at on end and began pounding it to the floor, i could not dislodge a single card.
I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when i tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, i returned the file to its slot. 
Leaning my forehead against the wall, i let out a long self-pitying sigh. 
And then i saw it.
The title bore"People i have shared the gospel with"
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused.
I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands.
I could count the cards it contained in one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep.
Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me.
I fell on my knees and cried
I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all.
The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.
No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as i pushed away the tears, i saw HIM. No, please not HIM, not here. Oh anyone but jesus

I watched helplessly as he began to open the files and read the cards. 
I couldnt bear to watch his response.
And in the moments i could bring myself to look at his face, i saw a sorrow deeper than my own.
He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did he have to read every one?
Finally, he turned and looked at me from across the room.
He looked at me with pity in his eyes. But this was a pity that didnt anger me
I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.
He walked over and put his arm around me. He could have said so many things.
But he didnt say a word. He just cried with me.
Then he got up and walked back to the all of files.
Starting at one end of the room, he took out a file and one by one, begin to sign his name over mine on each card.
"No!" i shouted, rushing to him. 
All i could say was "No no," as i pulled the cards from him
HIs name shouldnt be on these cards. But there it was, writeen in red, so rich , so dark, so alive.
The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written in his blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards.
I dont think i'll ever understand how he did it so quickly but the next instant it seemed i heard him close the last file
and walk back to my side. 
He placed his hand on my shoulder and said " It is finished."

I stood up and he led me out of the room.
There were no lock on its door.
There were still cards to be written...

PS. You're cute

went to the hospital again to visit grandma. Pretty much spending all my time there. Really glad she's getting better. Makes all the time travelling worthwhile.


It was finally here-Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months.
The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends and family.

Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filled the air.
Anna walked down the aisle toward David. 
Joy surged within her.
This was the moment for which she had waited so long.
He gently took her hand and they turned toward the altar.

But as the minster began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened.
A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar and took David's other hand.
Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another.
Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.

Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes.
"Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David.
"Im..Im sorry,Anna" he said, staring at the floor.
"Who are these girls, David? What is going on?" she gasped
"They're girls from my past," he answered sadly. "Anna, they dont mean anything to me now.. but i've given part of my heart to each of them"
"I thought your heart was mine," she said.
"It is, it is," he pleaded. "Everything that left is yours"
A tear rolled down Anna's cheek. 
Then she woke up.

i pondered over this for awhile.
it left me searching through my past, through my memories.
how much of my heart will be left for my future spouse?
how much of my heart will i give him
how much would he give me?
would i be able to satisfy him with what little heart i've got left?
it touched a sensitive nerve as joshua harris continued to elaborate further and
speak on religion and how the decisions we made were going to affect our future.

is there any part of my heart that will be left when i stand at the altar, staring into the eyes of the love of my life.

i find N cute. i saw him today in school.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Before its all over

I am a ninja(:


industrial attachment talk later at 430pm. year 3 man. so fast so fast.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Back to 8.26pm

this sucks. my fucking relapse has fucking happened again. purposely go to her blog to read, knowing that most of it will be about them. know i cant compare. fucking stupid of me.

funny how i still remember how we got together. 160907 8:26pm. i was crossing the overhead bridge at jurong east. And you msged me. So happy on that bridge. I remember that day i went to find you after my work. ended at 3pm, waited for you to end at 6pm at giordano. ngee ann city. you felt so bad about making me wait for 3 hours. we walked and suddenly we held hands. for short whiles only. but still(: YOU RAT. i remember the next day we went to watch movies, double date with beatrice and jordan. i kept hugging you at cine. beatrice later told me i was like superglued to you. remember 1303?  argh. stupid horror movie. You, Edwin Tan weiming tolerated all my rants and crazy antics. love you so.

bah, i hate all these shit that has happened. so long ago and yet, i cant put him down. i cant push him out of my mind. like how i kept all our stuff in a box. locked it away in the drawer. He's happy now. i should leave him to be. But god, how i hate her.

 It hurts to see you with her. What do you expect. Because i love you, and just because we've broken up doesnt mean i can turn it off just like that.

how did we go wrong?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Trauma and Drama

Grandma's in hospital. Stupid A & E made us wait 5 hours. From 11pm to 4am. She's warded and her condition doesnt look so good. Going to find her later.

On a another note, i signed up for justis's dance classes once more.

Pray, People, Pray.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Names with games

Pm class is boring. So i went to friendster in hope of something entertaining. i found this:


M- Makes Dating fun

E- Has gorgeous eyes

L- Is really sweet

I- Is a good kisser

S - Makes people laugh

S - Makes people laugh

A - Hot


i make dating fun, have gorgeous eyes, am sweet, good kisser, makes people laugh x2, and hot.

i bully my ex boyfriends, if they find it fun, then its fun. small squinty eyes that people claim they cant see, sour like vinegar, i get jealous easily, clown to others, good to fool around and hot, not.

there, name fits me?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Sandwiches and Motorbikes

i gave a sandwich to biker boy for always sending me to school.

But apparently, he hasn't died yet and i cant steal his bike.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You know Tan weiming?

Irritating shit. dont come be busybody. everytime read my blog. Set up yours so i can read about too. And, i stop putting people's names as alphabets already. Happy?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Raving to go, Get out of school

School day. Too early. Bored

My mother told me last saturday that when i was four and pissing her off, she spoke aloud that she wished she never have had me and i replied, well, you open your legs, i'll crawl back in.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Settlers Double Birthday Bash

So, team7 all headed to settlers@holland for a double birthday celebration. Beeping's and mine. Went there to play all the board games and everything. The cards are totally like shit la. Already cannot make it those kind. Still prefer the board games at decoders. Talk about loyalty and everything(: Anyway, thanks people for turning up and for the birthday present. Clement, Kelvin, Shaun, Rachel, Beeping, Eevin, Andrea, Marcus, Yi Hern, Yi Xuen.

I took 96 pictures of which i think 4 of them contains my face. Haha.  But wordpress does not allow me to upload. Or rather, the crunching process takes extremely long cause my picture file size is huge. So wordpress claims. Whatever.

Its 850am on a sunday morning and i skipped church because my brother sprained his hand and my family wants to bring him to the hospital. So, no car, no church. Haha. I think im heading back to sleep.

For i will testify.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Gone To The Dark Side

i am so bored in class. I've watched Gossip Girl Season 2 all the way till the 5th ep alr.

Happy Birthday Edmund! (: FInally 18 to booze and sex and drive legally.

Heading out to Holland V with Chubb and B for dinner. Elda and Sop had some last min things. Soo Sad they cant make it. At least still got chubb and b.  

Good Night y'all

Another Carousel Turn

i think im getting old.

i get tired so easily and i never do any fun stuff anymore. And i get kinks in my neck and my body aches horribly when i lie in an awkward position.

Bah! Is this what turning 18 feels like?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Queen's Birthday

So, Polys have started all around the island. Once again, im back in school to attend lectures which i'll sleep in, do tutorials that i never understand because i just copy and paste answers, walk halfway around the school to do something, or bump into friends which i so dearly miss. 2 days of lessons and i havent slept in class not at least once. So proud. Haha.

Anyway, yes its the queen's birthday! Mine(: hahah. It was nice getting well wishes from people i thought forgot. Jiawen, that idiot made me a big photo collage card, bought me a dress and a bikini. because i dared him to. -.-" classmates gave me a wallet. Thanks everybody. Very disappointing because my su friends, the poeple whom i thought were my life once, didnt remember, didnt wish. Well, didnt pinned much hope on it. Jiting, Chunyang. haiyo. Nothing to say.

I've been doing something since school started. Ever since i stopped talking to my su friends or rather they stopped talking to me. If i happened to bumped into jiting's friends or something, i'll hide.  IDKW!  damn. im so pissed at myself.


Back And Worse Than Ever

The Msia trip was fun with the very good company i had when i went there. Plus, the other good friends i made there. People like Lingyee, Shaun, PohBoon and friends. It also didnt hurt that the activities were pretty fun despite yes, getting shot in the btt. Dont know how many people laughed at that statement. Try getting hit in the ass. i'll see you laugh at that. Hah! Day 1 consisted of sleeping in the bus like say 10 hours? and a confidence walk with nature and mosquito's suppers. Day 2 was a visit to the very majestic cool and awesome cave, a 4 wheel drive into rivers, swamps, jungles and up hills and lastly a freezing ass cold waterfall. Felt like North Pole in that. ;D Last Day was SHOPPING at sungei wang. Had a lot of good bargains there. The trip was a really eye opening experience and pictures will be uploaded soon enough. hahah.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

When In Doubt, Go To The Toilet

i have been peeing every 20mins.

Either my bladder's really screwed up or i have a infatuation with the toilet which is a nice shade of pink and clean.

Go figure.

Waterfalls, Paintball And Good Self-Shots

In barely 2 days, im heading to malaysia. 3 days of solid good fun, i hope, under no parental supervision and no limits. You see, i dont get out of the country much without my family. My parents still has strict rules in the family. Im not complaining because they've soften up a lot starting from the time i went into np. Is just that they still have certain reservations on me as a girl, as their daughter. Well, how near Malaysia is to Singapore doesnt change the fact that Malaysia's still another country, so im gonna enjoy it.

Packing's still not done and im due at school in another estimated 30 hours. Reporting time is FREAKING 6am. Breakfast meeting time is 530am. And i still have a lot of stuff to do. 


For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything else in creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus Our Lord.

                                                                                                                    Romans 8:38 

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Ray Of Sunshine

YES! i finally went to Sentosa. After a month of holiday and promising myself to go sentosa to get that tanned skin complexion that i wanted, i finally went! Woohoo(: And the sun was really good that day and jw and i took lots of photos. scenic and self potrait ones. So happy So happy(:

And im single again and loving it! Not ready to take on another relationship. Really gotta wait for that someone right to come along and to make sure that my heart and head are both ready to take on someone new or old with no one in mind. As i always say, occasional relapses are fine but  hope they stay occasional. So the edwin thing should be occasional right, a passing phrase, a wandering haunting memory that wont last. I sincerely hope so.

On a lighter note, i talked about my birthday celebration with my best friends. So excited that my most important friends are all free and avaliable. Hoping it will go well. I dont want to spend my birthday alone though its ONLY a birthday(: i wanna feel goood on that day.

Lastly, holidays are ending and im heading to my msia trip with the school mates. Cant wait too.

Lights Out yo!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Distress Attached To Memories

i just had to go through all the memories from the past. our past. edwin and mine. Cried when i read the cards he sent me last time. omg. how could i have ignored the sincerity in all those letters. Finally understood his feelings for me. however, its 9months too late. He's happily dating his new prettier slimmer gf and i, haha. stuck alone. ohwell. i dont want to rant so much about him. i regretted the decision i made with him but i can do nothing and i wont do anything. i dont and wont want to become those sluts who threaten people's relationships. i aint no fuckin whore. i miss edwin, yes i do. but i believe this is a momentarily relapse. all those times i always had someone beside me. Chunyang. my biggest scandal but couldn't leave his past for me.  i guess i understand what it means to be unable to move on to the future but always being stuck in the past. Anyway, i hope to move on. Cant wait for school to start. Wanna concentrate on my studies  and making more new friends in my new IS class. Wait the whole class i dont know, then become loner -.-"  aiyo. time's up. Gonna head to bed soon when the tv show ends because i HAVE WORKKKKKKK TOMORROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. aww shucks. just considering that stella might bring her "BOYFRIEND" along!! muahah.


okay y'all,  NIGHTS!