I just passed my 23rd birthday last Monday and while that is something i should rejoice in, i can't help but feel dejected over the whole "Growing Up" experience.
When i was young, i wanted to quickly grow up and live my life just the way i wanted it to be and how i used to proudly exclaim " I will never be an office lady, that kind of life doesn't suit me!" Then, i was really determined to not lead a cookie cutter life and not be bound by a desk job. Some people grew up wanting to be doctors and lawyers and worked hard for that. Me, i grew up never wanting to be something so badly that i could be focused on.
As depressing as it was, i think i had no dream.
Nada. Zilch.
And then as life passed me by, i unknowingly fell into the routine i dreaded. It's not that i didn't enjoy going to school and poly and university because all the friends i made there were amazing and i would do it all over again but from time to time, the thought of "Why didn't i try to go out of my comfort zone and do something crazy instead of following the norm like everyone else." flashed across several times.
And fast forward a few years and here i am, in an office job, working full-time as an office lady. And the thought of doing this, being confined in an office for the next half of my life positively sickens me. Oh the money earned is very tempting to have on hand but such a cookie cutter life, so predictable and mapped out for me just like how it is illustrated HERE.
Is it any wonder i fell sick to the 20-something condition?
And now, even though i set myself out to work at least 2 years in the company i am in, with a heavy heart i will be leaving. People close to me will know and understand the reasons why. It's nothing about the community here, nothing about the bosses, but rather the stagnant progress that gets to me and after 1 year, although i'm not ready to call it quits, i know i must.
So, an inexperienced graduate, without a job.
At the start of next year, i'll officially be unemployed again and im re-evaluating my life because honestly, all this thinking is depressing my mind.
And then, when i turn 24 next year and older for the subsequent years, i'll probably be like this
Messed up quarter life crisis when i don't know exactly what i want to do. I am still applying for jobs and going for interviews and secretly hoping that i don't get the jobs because my heart's not into it. But i know that if i do get one, my quarter life crisis of self doubt and self loathing will continue on for long.
I don't know what i want to do with my life and at times like this, i wish i could just run away from it all. Travel the world on my own and teach English, go do something meaningful elsewhere, make a difference in someone else's life. Just do something that doesn't result in corporate slavery.
Now the question is, who do i want to be in life and where do i go from here?
PS: I'm sorry if this post is killing anyone's buzz.
Till then,
Melissa
No comments:
Post a Comment